preventing bedtime battles

It is eight o'clock in the evening and you can hardly wait to get Jesse to bed so you can throw on a robe, kick up your feet, and unwind a little after a hard day at work. You ask Jesse in your kindest voice if she will get her pajamas on and get ready for bed. She tells you she will do just that as soon as she finishes the puzzle she is putting together. Rather than argue, you agree. Fifteen minutes go by and Jesse has not moved so you remind her again. She mopes a little but complies. The two of you go into her bedroom and she remembers she has not brushed her teeth. Sighing, and wondering how you could ever begrudge your child for following proper dental hygiene practices, you allow her to go to the bathroom to brush her teeth, which she does, of course, at a snail's pace.

Forty-five minutes pass before you are able to tuck her in to her bed, only to have her tell you:

• a) she cannot sleep because she is not tired yet,
• b) she is afraid to be alone and wants you to stay,
• c) she needs a drink of water, or
• d) all of the above.

And so the bedtime battle begins. Can bedtime battles be prevented? Yes, they can, with a little planning on your part. Here are some suggestions:

1. Set routines and stick with them - You know how hard it is to get up to go to work on Monday morning if you sleep late over the weekend. That is because your body has its own built in clock that tells it when it should be tired and when it needs to wake. The body actually lowers its temperature when it thinks it is time to go to bed and warms itself up when it is time to wake. When we alter the time we get up or go to bed, the rhythm of this internal clock is disrupted. To keep your child's internal clock in sync, establish a routine bedtime hour and stick with. Then, at least one-half hour before bedtime restrict your child to quiet activities, such as reading a book or listening to music or a story (not television) so your child's body temperature has time to lower and sleepiness can set in.

2. Blame the clock - After a bedtime hour has been established, if your child protests about having to go to bed, put the blame on the clock. Simply say, "Gee, I'd like you to stay up too, but look, (sigh) the clock says its time to go to bed. I guess we have no choice but for you to go." Although children can easily engage you into a bedtime battle, it is pretty difficult to engage a clock into a battle.

3. Fear? Attention? - Sometimes children use bedtime battles as a way to get their needs met. A child may actually be afraid, or, more common, looking for attention. When a child is in need of attention, even negative attention will suffice. In other words, a child will act up just to get you to yell, holler, or scream. Make sure your child gets at least 20 minutes of your full attention in the evening before bedtime. Play a game, eat dinner together, or read a bedtime story. If your child has fears, talk to her or him about them, but more importantly, and let your child help you come up with a solution to the problem. For example, if your child claims there are monsters under the bed (I remember them being there when I was little), brainstorm a remedy with your child, such as putting a small lamp on the floor to lighten up the underside of the bed, or using magic water in a squirt bottle to squirt monsters away.

4. Make a contract - Positive strategies work better than negative strategies. Although yelling or punishing may postpone the misbehavior, they will not eliminate the behavior. Worse, you become the deputy in charge of the misbehavior instead of the child taking responsibility for their own behavior. I like to make a contract with the child by saying something like, "Jesse, eight o'clock is your bedtime. You are having difficulty getting to bed by eight so I am going to help you. First, I am going to have you start getting ready for bed at seven to give you more time. If you can get yourself ready for bed by eight, great! If you still cannot get yourself ready for bed by starting at seven, we will start bedtime at six-thirty. In addition, if you are ready for bed on time, I am going to allow you an extra fifteen minutes to read in bed or listen to music. And better yet, if you are able to be ready for bed on time three nights this week, I will let you (fill in with something special) this weekend." By providing your child with clear consequences to their choice of behavior, both positive and negative, you are helping your child learn a much necessary life skill. We all must reap the benefits (or consequences) for our own behavior.

Planning ahead keeps you in charge of the situation and allows you to react in a well thought out manner, rather than trying to tackle bedtime battles when you are tired and more likely to react emotionally, inconsistently, or ineffectively.

Dr. Catherine Swanson Cain, PhD, LMFT, offers online consultation or e-therapy on a variety of behavior and mental health issues. Get professional help from an experienced pediatric behavioral specialist from the convenience of your home. Her therapy e-site is encrypted, safe, confidential and secure. Visit PediatricBehavior for more information or to schedule a session by email or online.

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Revised: 09/18/2007.