Why Did Daddy Die?: An article on grief and loss and helping young children understand.

Explaining to a young child the loss of a parent or loved one is not an easy experience, whether the person doing the explaining is the existing parent, a family member, clergy, or professional counselor. There are some helpful tips to keep in mind, however.

Very young children often do not see the parent's death as permanent, but rather, that the person who died is simply asleep or can come back to life again. This concept of death is fostered by the many cartoon characters that die repeatedly, only to reappear that same episode or in a later show.

School age children and many times, teenagers, understand death in a more mature manner but do not think it can happen to them. Expect reactions such as anger, frustration, fear, guilt, and often, a return to a younger-type behavior that may surface immediately but may not appear for weeks to months later. It is also common for younger children to think that they caused the death, therefore, it is important to recognize and talk about a child's feelings with them as a way of helping them "sort their feelings out."

Some danger signs to watch for include:

Loss of interest in activities the child used to like to do.
Acting much younger for an extended period of time.
Changes in sleeping and eating patterns
(e.g., cannot sleep or too much sleep).
Intense fear of being alone.
Not wanting to be with friends anymore.
A change in school performance.
Intense sadness that consumes the child.

Some things you can do to help:

Be open and honest to the child regarding questions and concerns the child has.
Answer only what is asked, however. Children do not experience things the way adults do because they lack the cognitive skills to do so. Do not expect your child to understand death like you do.
Continue with typical family routine and rituals.
Be consistent. Keep the daily routine going. This is what brings the child stability.
Allow the child to see your emotions (it is okay, and healthy, for them to see your sadness).
Don't try to overcompensate for your child's loss by giving extra privileges or not disciplining the child for fear the child has had enough stress. They NEED the boundaries more than ever at this time.

The grieving process, although it follows a fairly predictable path, is not the same for each person. Typically, a child will experience:

Disbelief (i.e., Mommy is still alive, she is just still sick and at the hospital).
Anger (i.e., I hate Daddy for driving the car Mommy was in when she died).
Bargaining (i.e., Please God, if you let Mommy come alive, I will be good for the rest of my life).
Resolution (i.e., I am sad and will never get over Mommy dying but I am still alive).

Children, like adults, tend to move through this cycle in a sequential order but it is common for both child and adult to have moved from one step to the other (i.e., anger to bargaining), only to slip and fall into disbelief patterns temporarily.

The best rule of thumb is to be yourself. Express yourself as you normally would. Answer the child's questions but do not tell them more than they really need to know or are mature enough to handle. Do not make the child attend a memorial service or funeral if they express intense fear.

We now offer online e-therapy, consultation, or counseling. Dr. Catherine Cain is a Licensed Marriage & Family therapist with over 25 years experience working with families. Visit PediatricBehavior for more information or to schedule an email or online session.