Telling Your Child About Divorce

You have decided a divorce is inevitable. So, how do you tell your child? To tell you the truth, most children of any age experience mixed feelings of anger, blame, guilt and sadness at the news that their parents are divorcing, even if that child is 2, 10, or 25. Children may experience these feelings even if they knew the marriage was not a good one and that separation would be an answer to a problem.

It is important to talk to the child about the pending divorce before it takes place. If possible, both parents should do this together so the child doesn’t blame one parent for the divorce over the other. What you say to the child depends upon the age and maturity of the child and some general rules apply on how and what to say. They include:

Children tend to blame themselves for the divorce so it is important to reassure the child that the divorce has nothing to do with something they have done.
Children worry about losing one of the parents so the child should be assured that both parents will remain in his/her life, just at separate times.
Keep emotions out of the discussion, if possible. Try to be confident and secure when relating the information
Leave out details, especially for a young child. Remember, even though you are divorcing your partner, your child is not and will be maintaining a relationship with both parents. Telling them how ‘bad’ the other parent was or is causes confusion in the child because they still have positive feelings for the other parent.
Children are mostly concerned on what the divorce will mean to them. Try to make it positive (i.e., “Even though we will not be living together anymore, you will still be seeing both of us. In fact, you will have your own bedroom at both places, won’t that be great?”)
Children (even those that are 35) typically harbor the wish that their parents will get back together again. Recognize this and invite conversation about this at any time as a way of reducing stress.
Keep daily living as normal as possible, in order to create stability in the child’s life during the change.
Children may regress in behavior. For example, a child who has been toilet trained may have accidents or a child who was sleeping alone at night may ask to stay in your bed. Be understanding about the regression but firm in your expectations that you expect them to maintain the level of behavior they once had.
All children respond differently. Some children cry. Others show no emotion at all. Some children will ask lots of questions. Others won’t ask for details. Give information based on the child’s level of questioning. For example, if the young child asks, “Will I still have a daddy?” Say, “Of course, you will always have a daddy.” Rather than “You’ll have a daddy but he will be living two hours away in Toronto.”
There is no “best age” for divorcing but research does show that the preschooler adjusts better than a child in elementary or junior high. The key to adjustment depends largely upon how well the parents get along after the divorce. Parents that bicker and fight after the divorce will cause greater stress than those who put their differences aside for the sake of the child and decide to get along.
Allow the child to adjust to the new living situation slowly. It helps to have some personal items at both residences to help smooth the transition. It is also helpful for the child to visit the home of the parent who has left before actually having to stay there.
Resist the urge to “make up the loss” to the child by indulging on the child, dropping expectations or disciplining practices, and spoiling the child. The child needs strong boundaries and limits at this time. Letting the child get away with things s/he was not able to do before, or buying the child things to make up for the child’s loss, will only cause confusion and hamper the adjustment process.

Deciding to divorce is a big decision, and at times, inevitable when there is violence, domestic abuse, alcoholism, or some other factor present in the relationship. Remember to keep spousal relationship issues separate from parenting issues. It is okay to have differences with your ex-spouse on issues between the two of you as long as you do so away from the child. But when it comes to parenting practices, it is important to put those differences aside and to act as a team for the best results in adjustment of your child.

Need help on an issue related to divorce, custody, or parent alienation syndrome? Dr. Catherine Swanson Cain, PhD, LMFT is a licensed therapist that offers online therapy and consultation on these issues. Visit PediatricBehavior for more information or to schedule an online, office, or email session. Dr. Cain is also a TN Supreme Court Recognized Family & Civil Mediator.