Handling Hot Moments and Disciplining Children

Your child is in the middle of a screaming, kicking, temper tantrum and nothing you do seems to help. Talking to your child only seems to make the situation worse. You know that if you try to put your child into time-out, s/he will resist and a battle will ensue. Worse yet, the child's behavior, and yours, has become predictable over time, with each of you acting and responding in the same way every time one of these episodes occurs. You are not alone.

Humans tend to organize what we do, and how we act, into predictable patterns that we almost become unaware of over time. For example, we sit in the same place at church on Sunday, get our oil changed at the same service station, and buy the same laundry detergent at the grocery store. Patterned behaviors help us to not have to make constant decisions every time we decide to do something. Instead, our minds are free to work on more important matters than having to make the exact same decisions time after time. Think of these patterns as your car's tire stuck in a rut in the road. Unless you make a concerted effort to get out of the rut, the tire follows the exact same path every single time you drive the same road.

How we act when our children misbehave, is much the same. We tend to stick with set patterns even when those patterns are not working. For example, we might try to negotiate with the child, or put the child into time-out even when these solutions seem to have no effect on the behavior.

Let me use the example of a child who dawdles getting ready for school in the morning rush causing you to be late for work. Anticipating the problem, you start reminding your child early to brush his or her teeth, get dressed, etc., only to find him/her playing with toys and still in pajamas when you are nearly ready to go out the door. You react by impatiently going into a lengthy explanation about why it is necessary for to be timely. You ask the child to get dressed again, emphasizing the importance of hurrying. When you come back into the room a few minutes later, there has been little progress. Flustered, you help the child dress while promising to take away a privilege that night.

The child begins to tantrum, and you end up trying to dress a screaming, uncooperative child. You are late for work, the child is in control of the situation, and it suddenly dawns on you that the both of you have played out this same scenario for several days in a row.

Following patterns, even ones that are not working, is normal. Breaking a pattern is much like getting a tire out of a rut in the road. Getting out of a behavioral rut takes a little thought on your part, but can be done. Here are some suggestions. When your child is caught up in problem behavior, try one of these ideas: Say yes - Give the child a direction and then add "say yes, Mommy" at the end of the direction without any change in your voice. Example, "Brush your teeth, Billy, say yes, mom." In many cases, this changes the child's thought pattern from negative to positive without you having to do anything else.

Surprise

React in a totally unpredictable way. Humor is a great way to surprise the child out of a temper tantrum. Try feigning sleep, falling over onto the child's lap, or, singing a favorite song loudly and slightly off key. The purpose is not to make fun of the child's behavior or be demeaning, but rather, to divert the child's attention off crying and onto something else.

Silence

Sit quietly and do not do or say anything. Synchronize your breathing to the child's breathing and your movements to the child's movements. Wait for your child to notice. Often, this is enough distraction to make your child forget what s/he was doing as s/he becomes absorbed in what you are doing.

Neutral Reaction

Keep touch, voice tone, and body language positive and supportive. Any negative reaction on your part, such as anger or frustration, will only reinforce the child's negative behavior. It is important to remain neutral and non-reactive so you do not feed into the problem.

Distract the child

Talk aloud as if there was someone else in the room and tell that person about your child -- things your child did in the past, things you like about him, things she is good at, or fond memories. Often, when a child is in the middle of a tantrum, even positive statements are unwelcome and the child may become oppositional. By talking to someone else in the room, the focus is taken off your child, yet, s/he still gets a dose of positive comments. You can also call your child's attention to something else. For example, "Wow! Look at that cloud in the sky. It looks exactly like a dinosaur."

These examples are not meant to correct the problem but only to get you out of the "hot" moment and to a point where you can effectively deal with the problem. Deciding ahead of time how you will react puts you in charge and gets you out of the rut. Once you break out of the hot moment, you are ready to address the problem. Here are some suggestions for how to do that.

Once again, planning ahead is more effective than trying to come up with solutions when you are rushed or uptight. It allows you to "act" instead of "react." Take a moment when you are not in a hot moment and replay a typical problem situation in your mind. What does your child do? How do you react? What solutions have you tried in the past that worked? Did not work? You might want to write your thoughts down on paper so you can compare and contrast ideas. Then, decide how you will handle the situation next time it arises.

Keep in mind that a young child needs an immediate response. Young children do not have the ability to delay gratification so promising a treat at the end of the week if the child can get dressed five mornings in a row typically will not work. Another important thing to keep in mind is that positive solutions are more effective than negative solutions. You might have heard the old phrase, "catch the child being good." Well, it works. Catching, and rewarding, even the tiniest improvement in behavior, is more effective than punishing the problem behavior.

For example, you might give a young child a hug and say, "I am glad you have stopped crying. Now, if you can also get dressed very quickly we will have time to… (fill in with something the child likes)." Reinforce the correct behavior later in the day. When your child comes home from school you might say, "I sure liked the way you got yourself under control this morning, I bet you are proud of yourself." The next morning you can again remind the child of the progress they made the day before to reinforce it. For example, you might say "Remember how you got yourself into control and dressed so quickly yesterday morning? If you can do that today, I have a surprise for you." Young children also like playful challenges such as "Remember how you got yourself dressed so fast yesterday? I bet you can't do that again!" What you are doing in this process is creating a new "rut," or pattern, of behavior.

An older child is typically able to delay gratification for longer periods. You might say, "I am really proud of you for being able to stop crying and for getting dressed. That tells me you are becoming more responsible. In fact, if you can quickly get dressed again tomorrow, I will know you are responsible enough to…(fill in the blank)." The next morning remind the child to get dressed quickly so they can be rewarded. You want them to succeed, even if it is only a tiny success such as only tantrumming five minutes instead of ten.

Practicing solutions in your head before a "hot" moment occurs will help you to remember them more readily. It is also important to not give up if a solution does not immediately work. You might say, "I am sorry you did not get dressed quickly today. Now we don't have time for…" Give the child a quick hug or pat and say "Let's try again tomorrow." With a little planning, focusing on the positive instead of the negative, and acting instead of reacting, you are more likely to get out of the behavioral "rut" that is not working and to create a new "rut" that works.