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the myth of the "bad co-parent"
Been through a divorce? Thinking
about it? Do you have kids?
Do you offer an empathetic shoulder for someone going through divorce that does? Then, this article is for you!
Divorce affects over half of all American families today during some point
in time. When children are involved, the situation is complicated. How do
you decide which parent the children with live with? How many hours should
the child spend with the other parent? What if the other parent is a louse?
A convict? A loser? Are the children not better off with a "stable"
"healthy" parent than one that is less capable or stable?
I am a Behavioral Health Specialist with over 25 years experience. My answer
is "NO!" Children need both parents, regardless whether one parent is more
capable, more compassionate, more.... well, there.
Many custodial parents will not want to hear this, but, in most cases, your
"ex" is not such a bad person. Divorce often distorts views of the other
parent. After all, could we be justified in divorcing a Saint? Society has
taught us to assign blame in order to justify our action. This article
address some of the most common roles "Ex-spouses" (most often the Custodial
Parent) take in justifying their actions.
The Other Parent is "Poisoning" or
"Psychologically" Damaging the Children
This parenting style is typically the result of fear made into reality.
Flaws in character (which everyone has, by the way), are inflated and
exaggerated. This type of behavior is typically self-serving and has nothing
to do with the other parent. It is also "psychologically" damaging to the
kids!
S/He Is a No-Good Bum!
In this role, the accusing parent justifies their own actions by putting
down the opposite parent to the children. Most often, this is done in a
matter-of-fact way, during normal, daily conversation. For example, the
parent may say, "Your Dad is late picking you up because he cares more about
his business than you." Such statements are damaging to a child and should
not be used.
We Are Friends
Many divorced parents feel they need to be "friends" with their child after
a divorce, or, the child becomes a "mate" to replace the absent parent.
Either scenario is not healthy for the child. Kids need parents. They can
find "friends" on their own. They CANNOT find other parents! If you are
going through divorce, DO NOT fall into this common role (especially with
women!). Your kids need you to be the parent, not their friend.
Exclude the "Ex"
A common mistake is for a parent to decide that the other parent is not fit
for parenting, and thus, exclude the other parent from visitation. ALL
children need a mother and father, if possible. No parent should be excluded
because one parent believes s/he is the better parent.
But, It Is My Kid!
No, it is NOT your kid. No child is "owned" by another human being. They are
"experienced," "enjoyed," "cared for," etc. by someone, but not "owned." It
takes two humans to conceive a child. Those two humans will always be a part
of who the child is. To deny this, or discourage or prohibit it, will damage
the child.
Need help? Dr. Catherine Swanson Cain, PhD, LMFT offers online therapy and consultation on a variety of behavior and mental health issues. With over 25 years experience in family issues, she has a keen knowledge of divorce, custody, parent alienation syndrome and relationships problems. Visit her safe, secure, and confidential website for information on online counseling or consulting at disclaimer copyright