BedtimeFear

A reader recently wrote about her 7-year-old daughter whom was afraid to sleep in her own bed because of fears. The family had tried various strategies, including talking with her about her fears, moving her to her own room and refusing to allow her in their bed. This was given up after 7 nights of screaming and no sleep. Here is my response to her:

It sounds like you have done many of the logical remedies for a child not sleeping on her own (e.g., waiting it out 7 nights, talking through her fears). I have dealt with this issue in families many, many times, and each child and situation is different, so I will give you a couple of more suggestions and some background into the "why's" of this type of behavior. Hopefully, that will help.

First, let me say that behavior is nothing more than patterns that become set in our minds. Like the tire caught in a rut in a road, it is sometimes difficult to break free from patterns that are set. That is because our brain LOVES patterns. It learns by patterns and we use patterns each and every day. We sit in the same place at church, buy our gas at the same gas station, and purchase the same brands of foods. (That way we don't have to think about every single thing we do in life.)

Your daughter's bedtime pattern is no different, even if it was founded on fears. I suggest to parents that if they want to break a pattern, they need to replace it with a different pattern and the more set that new pattern is in the mind of the child before the actual event, the better. So, I might do something like this:

Holly, you are now 7 and 7 year olds need to sleep in their own beds. I understand that this is difficult for you so we are going to take this nice and slow. I have marked a date on the calendar on the refrigerator for two weeks from tonight. That is the first night you will sleep on your own. We know you can do it because you are such a smart, capable young lady and because this is such a big event, we are going to celebrate you being able to sleep alone by _____ (fill in the blank with a reward, such as movie and dinner, special toy she has been wanting, a party, etc.). Make sure the reward is something she really wants and not something you think she wants. Ask her what she wants.

Talk about the event several times a day with her. Let her describe what the night should be like (e.g., special blanket, lights on or off, what toys she wants in her bed, whether the door will be open or shut). Have her mark each day off on the calendar.

Sometimes it helps to add in any of the following as you see appropriate:

Give her something of yours from your bed that can be put in her bed (e.g., the comforter, your pajamas that you have worn a few times for the smell, etc.).
Make the move slowly with her - have her sleep at the foot of your bed, then on the floor next to your bed, then next to the door, then just outside the door, then further down the hall, etc. until she is in her own room.
Lavishly praise any progress she makes and keep telling her how you "know" she can do it. Keep everything positive.
If she is to get a toy, a movie, or some other tangible item, post a picture of it on the refrigerator next to the calendar as a reminder.
Have her draw pictures of the event and herself sleeping alone. Then, have her tell you about her pictures. If issues arise, such as monsters or other fears, find an alternative explanation for the fear. There are several great children's books on night fears and monsters.
When the day comes, be firm and persistent. Tell her you can hardly wait to see her waking up in her own room and how you will even come wake her up early if she wants you to.
Do NOT back down. If she cries and you let her in your bedroom at this point, you will reinforce the fact that rules are not rules and if she cries enough or complains enough, she can get you to do what she wants you to do.