Recently, a reader asked me:
Q: I'm a soon-to-be single parent and the biological father of my child has already chosen not to be a part of my child's life. When my child becomes old enough to ask questions, what's the best way to explain the absence of their father? And what's the best age to have this conversation? Thanks,

A: As you probably know, there are no magic answers to your questions but here are some general guidelines you can follow:
                                                                   
Follow the child's lead

• The age to have "thee" conversation with
  your child will depend upon your child and the experiences s/he has.
  My guess is that the question of "Do I have a Daddy?" won't come up
  until your child has had exposure to other children and hears about
  their Daddies. If your child goes to a day care center or preschool, the
  question will surface sooner than if your child is home with you until
  entering school. It is best to not approach the subject until your child asks,
  which will most likely be around the age of three. Up until then your child is
  egocentric and really doesn't think beyond him/herself and you.

Separate your thoughts from your feelings

• Prepare some ideas about what to say ahead of time so that you can use your head instead of your heart when the time actually comes. Statements should be factual and objective. If you have a lot of feeling or emotion for your child's father, I would write these statements down so you can really review them (or have someone else review them) for objectivity. They should be something like: "Your Daddy lives in Portland." "Your Daddy's name is Ron." "I met your Daddy in Mexico."

Listen to what your child actually asks

• Listen carefully to what your child asks, and answer only the question asked. It is easy to fall into the trap of thinking like an adult instead of a child and saying too much. You might be tempted to think your child needs a detailed explanation of who their father is and what happened, when really, all the child wanted to know was whether, or not, they had a Daddy like everyone else. When your child asks, "Do I have a Daddy?" You might say, "Yes, Honey, all children have Daddies. Your Daddy lives in Portland." Then wait for another question, if it comes.

Less instead of more

• Just knowing that s/he has a Daddy may be enough in the initial conversation. If so, the conversation ends. Young children process things in different ways than we do. They don't have all the baggage of past experiences to connect "Daddy" with other feelings or events. Therefore, saying less is better than saying more. Soon, your child will want to know more about Daddy. If your child has more questions during the initial conversation, answer those questions using the same objective statements (meaning no feelings attached!) you have prepared.

Difficult questions

• Sooner or later, the hard questions will come as the child's ability to cognitively and linguistically express him/herself improves. If your child asks a question that is difficult for you to answer, its okay to say, "I need to think about that one for awhile." or, "I really don't know, Honey." The important thing to remember is that although an innocent question such as "Didn't Daddy love me?" might tear your heart apart, your child may not actually associate the same (if any) feelings to those words as you do. It is better to just say, "Of course, he did, Silly!" and leave it at that.

Keep it positive

• Even if your child's Daddy is a lazy, no-good bum, who doesn't deserve to live on the face of this earth, don't say anything negative about him to your child. Your child will figure out what Daddy is like on his/her own when and if the time comes. Anything negative you say may cause the child to identify closer with him in difficult times.
• Children often create a "Daddy" in their heads that is Superman, Michael Jordan, and Santa Claus all rolled into one. This Super-Hero Dad may surface at times when your child is upset with you, and will most likely be used against you ("You're mean! I wish my real Daddy was here because he would let me stay out all night."). Remain calm and emotionless, and simply make a statement like "You may be right" or "Well, Daddy is not here. I am." It is normal for your child to have an unrealistic vision of an absent parent and for you to not try to correct that vision. If you have photographs of your child's Daddy, show them to your child as a way of painting a more realistic picture of who Daddy is.
  
  More with age
• As your child matures, he or she will have more questions and there will come a time when your child needs to know the truth. That will depend on how quickly your child matures. Most likely this will happen somewhere around the middle-school years when hormones start flaring. You will know when that time comes by, once again, following your child's lead. Your child's questions should direct the course of discussion. It is okay to tell a child the truth once they are cognitively and emotionally developed enough to understand.