Why are children’s friendships so important? It is through friendships that children learn how to get along with others, how to problem solve, and what kinds of behaviors are accepted and not accepted by others. There are six basic functions of friendships:

1. Companionship with peers
2. Comparing own behavior against behavior of the group
3. Stimulation and learning
4. Support for self-esteem
5. Intimacy and affection
6. Physical support

Friendships really do not begin until the child is about four years of age. Before this time, although children like to be with other children, they often judge another child on what that child has or does not have. If asked to tell about a friend, a three year old would most often say something like, “He has a fire truck with a loud siren, and his dog scares me when I go there because it’s so big.”

By the time a child is about four, s/he begins to like others for abilities another child has as well as objects. For example, a four year old describing a friend might say, “She is the best runner” or “He might give me his old baseball mitt when he gets his new one.”

By the time a child is five, s/he is beginning to understand rules and procedures of relationships. Turn taking begins, but not without problem. A five year old can play a board game with another, but might not fully understand, or obey, the rules. Social turn taking is much the same.

It isn’t until a child is around the age of six, or seven, that they begin to fully appreciate a friend for things like loyalty, humor, or friendliness. A child of this age still is not very good at seeing both sides of an issue, leaning toward being selfish in fulfilling his/her own wants before worrying or carrying about a friend’s desires. That skill does not fully come in until a child is somewhere around the age of nine.

At nine, children begin to view life through the eyes of their friends. They share secrets, form cliques as a sign of loyalty, and are more willing to give up some of their own needs in favor of helping a good friend. This newly formed loyalty to a friend is often tested during the nine to twelve year range if a “best“ friend also has other “best” friends. It is not uncommon for children of this age to change views of friends from day to day as they struggle to figure it all out.

When a child reaches the age of twelve, s/he begins forming friendships that are more like what adult friendships are. Intimacy comes into the picture and lines of friendship run deeper. Peer pressure and conformity become huge issues, with outward acceptance and rejection from cliques.