It is 3:15 p.m. and you have just enough time, if you hurry, to pick up a couple of items from the grocery store. Half way down the first isle, your 4-year-old, Annie, begs for a candy bar. You reply, "Not now, Honey, it is almost time for dinner." Annie says, "Pleeeeese can I have a candy bar?" Your smile turns into a thin line pasted onto your face as you assess the situation. You give Annie a pleasant,
yet stern response, "No candy, Annie, I've told you how it spoils your appetite for dinner." By the way, Annie could care less about spoiling her appetite so you might as well save your words.

By the end of the second isle, Annie's whining for candy has gotten a notch louder and people are starting to stare, which is what Annie wants, of course, because if she is going to put on a performance, she likes an audience. You tense, knowing what is coming and give her a lecture about how Billy will soon be home and how you have to get the groceries for supper, hoping to stall her long enough to get the things you need.

Annie takes in a deep breath and lets out a loud enough cry to shake the rafters, begins kicking the shopping cart with her feet and waving her arms wildly about her. Several shoppers raise a critical eyebrow.
                                                                 
You decide to:

• a) Give in to Annie and get her a candy bar so she will stop crying,
• b) Take Annie out of the store and put her in the car until she stops crying,
• c) Keep on shopping and ignore Annie's behavior; or
• d) Promise Annie that if she is good, you will get her some candy when checking out.

You know you should not give in to Annie, but there is shopping to do and very little time to get it done. You could take her out to the car but then you might not get back in time to meet Billy getting off his bus. You could keep shopping and try to ignore Annie but the accusing stares you are getting from other customers are making you nervous. Besides, you are tired and anxious to get home yourself. You decide give in and tell Annie you will get her a candy bar at the check out counter if she is good for the rest of the shopping trip. Annie turns off the tears instantly.

Guess what? You have almost guaranteed that Annie will not only repeat her performance to get a candy bar the next time you visit the grocery store, but Annie has learned that if she is persistent enough and cries hard (long, loud) enough, she can get you to change your mind even if you tell her she cannot have a candy bar. This is called reinforcing the misbehavior.

Bravo, Annie! What a performance! Take a bow!!

What should you have done?
Well, first of all, anyone looking at you a critical eyebrow raised either does not have children or has forgotten what it is like to have children. Since Annie's misbehavior is most likely a repeat performance (if it wasn't before, it will be now), it is time to take a proactive approach. Here is how:

First, sit Annie down when neither of you are upset and have a talk with her. The talk should go something like this:

"Annie, I have decided no more candy at the grocery store. If you cry, I will take you to the car until you stop crying. If you stop crying, we will go back into the store but you still will not get a candy bar. If you do not stop crying, I will take you home and have ______ take care of you while I go back to the grocery store to finish the shopping (this requires having someone set up in advance to take care of Annie so that you can return to the store). Do you understand?"

If Annie is like most children, she is going to test the new rule to make sure it is really there. After all, you did give into her when he cried long or loud enough. Expect the behavior to get worse before it gets better, and just keep on with your plan. If Annie cries or begs for candy, take her to the car. If she stops crying, go back into the store and resume your shopping. If she starts begging for candy or crying, take her back out and go home, then return later for your groceries.

 About the Author: Dr. Catherine Swanson Cain, PhD, LMFT provides counseling and therapy to families of young children with behavior problems or mental health disabilities. She also provides consultation and training to educators, child care providers, and professionals on a variety of behavioral health issues.